By Emily Hincks
When Dr. Jared Warren invited all of his research assistants to take his Gift of Self-Compassion course, I accepted the invitation, but didn’t think I would learn much. I thought self-compassion only meant being nicer to yourself, not beating yourself up mentally, etc. Since I’m not usually that hard on myself, I thought I was agreeing to participate in the course so I could give constructive feedback. Instead, what I gained was so unprecedented, so timely, and so deeply needed, that I will never be the same.
Self-compassion is defined as extending to yourself the same kindness and care that you would offer to a good friend. You are just as deserving of the love, acceptance, and kindness that you would extend to a friend in need, in spite of what your “inner critic” might say at times. Self-compassion is so much more than just not beating yourself up mentally! It is about awareness and connection and finding a path to peace. Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading experts on self-compassion, conceptualizes self-compassion as consisting of three core components: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity. I have learned, through careful practice and application, just how powerful these three core components can be.
Mindfulness
Let's start with mindfulness, because this concept has been life changing for me. “Mindfulness is generally defined as ‘present moment awareness with acceptance.’ It is intentionally and non-judgmentally attending to this moment - an honest, balanced awareness of what’s going on with our thoughts, feelings, sensory experiences, and our interactions with other people and the environment around us.” (MBS 101 Mindfulness module)
If your first instinct when something undesirable happens is to have a negative or self-critical thought, you're not alone; I’ve been doing it for years. While negative thoughts about yourself or others may not be obviously destructive, they sure aren’t helping you to feel peace or resolve any of the issues you face. Awareness is the first step in developing more compassion for ourselves. When we begin to notice what our gut responses or our “inner critic” are chronically saying to us, we can begin to change it.
As I worked my way through the Gift of Self-compassion course, I was forced to dig deep into my thought patterns, rumination ruts, and negative thoughts and recognize just how much they were controlling so many aspects of my life. I struggled with what I was learning about myself and resisted it; once I realized what needed to be changed, I couldn’t avoid it, but I sure tried. Mindfulness encourages you to get to know the way you think, recognizing what you like and what you don’t like. Then, to accept it wholeheartedly—not necessarily agree with it, but accept it, so you can begin the process of change. Mindful awareness is the foundation for beginning the process of developing self-compassion.
Self-Kindness
The second component, self-kindness, is the soft, warm, cozy blanket of self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff does a fantastic job of describing how to begin the process of showing ourselves more self-kindness and the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion in her TED talk found here:
One point she makes that I love is that being self-compassionate is not self-indulgent or selfish. Why isn’t it? Because when we are compassionate to ourselves, genuinely understanding of the difficulty of what we are facing, our hearts soften. With a soft heart, as opposed to an angry or fearful heart, we are better able to deal with and help others. This slight change in perspective can aid in moving through the difficulty with greater peace. Doing this isn’t as easy as it sounds. For me, it has taken deliberate practice.
Bad habits are hard to change. For years and years, I have let my negative thoughts significantly impact my happiness without consciously recognizing I was doing it. “The majority of the ways we harm ourselves are not conscious and overt but are unconscious or ingrained mental habits, like constant comparison or self-criticism” (MBS101 Self-Compassion module).
“I often felt trapped by my circumstances, but really I was just trapping myself with my thoughts. ”
A major breakthrough for me has been learning to recognize negative thoughts when they arise, and rather than trying to get rid of them, make space for them and then accept them as neither true nor false, but merely words. This has been tremendously liberating for me. Thoughts, such as, he must think I’m annoying and that’s why he doesn’t want to spend time with me, or this is what always happens or I’m sick of being the only one who cleans up, are neither true or false, they are just thoughts! This is where mindfulness and self-kindness work together to bring about significant change in the way we think. Ask yourself, “Is this thought helpful?” If it isn’t, don’t entertain it! Give it space to exist and move on! I had no idea I was entertaining negative thoughts for so long, repeating them over and over to myself and letting them keep me from being happy. I often felt trapped by my circumstances, but really I was just trapping myself with my thoughts.
So once we’ve learned to recognize negative thoughts about ourselves and others, and how to deal with them, then what do we do? We give ourselves the compassion we need! “Our western culture isn’t very good at self-compassion. We live in a comparison-based, self-critical, never-enough society where many believe that value lies in pushing ourselves too hard, being overly busy, or having the longest to-do list. Sociocultural pressure has contributed to the recent increase in eating disorders, depression, and other mental health concerns. There is a cultural resistance to self-care and self-acceptance - and it isn’t contributing to our well-being or even our improvement!” (Self-Compassion module). Being deliberate about taking care of ourselves is vital to our well-being. Remember Dr. Kristen Neff reminded us that self-compassion is not selfish, it’s the opposite. When we feel at peace, we are in a better position to be our best selves and lift others.
Self-compassion can look different for everyone. For me, there are several strategies I have tried and found effective: going for a walk, spending time with close friends and family, planning something fun, looking at pictures of past memories, praying and connecting with God spiritually, listening to music and compassionate meditation (more on this and several more strategies can be found in the Self-Compassion module).
One of the most endearing tools I learned from The Gift of Self-Compassion course is to think of myself as a ‘lovable work in progress’. Isn’t that the most beautiful, heart warming thought to have? I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to be anything except what I am: a lovable work in progress. This perspective, coupled with a mindful awareness of negative thoughts and the power they have, has literally changed me. Something deep inside my soul has softened and simultaneously been filled. My whole demeanor has calmed down. I am free to be happy, free to feel peace, free to let go.
Common Humanity
The last component of self-compassion is the concept of common humanity, which is the idea that when we’re suffering, we can remember that others have experienced similar things and that suffering is part of the human experience. No one goes through life without struggles, disappointment, and heartache—these are part of what it means to be human. But somehow, just knowing that somewhere in the world, countless people have gone through the same thing you’re going through, can make us feel less isolated and alone. Life is hard for everyone, even though it may not appear that way on social media or when you look around. We are all good at pretending everything is just fine, when in reality, we all struggle. The more compassion we can show to ourselves and others, the more comfort and unity we will feel as we work our way through the good and the hard moments in life.
Learning the skills and strategies of becoming more compassionate to myself has been a treasure I didn’t even know I was desperately searching for, in all the wrong places. The concepts are simple and full of truth. Learning to be mindful, practicing more self-kindness, and being aware of our common humanity is available to all of us, regardless of where we live, the color of our skin, or our circumstances in life. The blessings are free to all. In a time when the whole world seems to be drowning in uncertainty and suffering, I have discovered the indisputable path to personal peace: self-compassion. I invite you to join me in sharing the bounty of this treasure.