By Beatrice Felt
“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
Why am I like this? My thoughts move at 100 miles per second. I’m dumb, I’m not capable, I’m not beautiful enough. I am too lazy. The people around me seem to have everything together all the time. There is no escaping this anxious, stressful reality. My spiral begins to feel uncontrollable and panic sets in. Suddenly, my husband walks into the room and tells me I am beautiful and hugs me. He tells me about his day and how he missed my smile. My thoughts ease and I am immediately encircled by his warm, intentional embrace. Feelings of love and comfort rush over my body and the crippling feelings are replaced with encouraging ones. I feel capable, beautiful, and heard. Because I received comfort from my sweet husband, I feel capable of offering the same love to myself. I am reminded of my worth. My confidence grows and I see the miracle of the day.
Self-compassion is the key to confidence. When an individual can remove themselves from a crippling scenario and offer self-compassion, they are more capable of feeling capable and confident. Dr. Kristin Neff explains self-compassion as, “Self-compassion simply involves doing a U-turn and giving yourself the same compassion you’d naturally show a friend when you’re struggling or feeling badly about yourself” (Neff, 2024). Each person on earth is far more capable than we give ourselves credit for. We see great examples of empathy and kind words being shared throughout the world. People obviously have the desire to be kind, now we just need to learn how to do that for ourselves.
My friend who has mastered the concept of self-compassion had a confidence building experience in her important teen years. Let’s call her Jane. The play Beauty and the Beast was being put on by their school. Jane was self conscious about her physical appearance and felt shy in her interaction with others. She was most concerned about her posture. Jane often kept her head down which caused her to develop physical insecurities in her back and her shoulders. One day, Jane’s friend Mary came up to her and asked if she wanted to try out for the play. Mary said she would try out for Belle and Jane would try out for the Beast. This comment made by a close friend only solidified how Jane felt about herself. After a while of feeling crushed by this comment, she decided to try out for Belle. She used elements of self-compassion to help her grow confidence in herself. Jane practiced having a growth mindset and was patient with her efforts. For weeks Jane spent time mimicking Belle’s physical patterns. She also pretended as if she were really Belle. Jane improved her posture, practiced singing and dancing, and even tried to say what she thought Belle would say. When the day of auditions finally came, Jane told herself that no matter what happened, she was proud of her efforts. She offered self compassion for herself and a few days later, found out she got the part of Belle. Jane was in eighth grade while the other people auditioning for the part were in ninth grade. Jane’s hard work and dedication paid off. Because she was self-compassionate to herself, she had great confidence and her performance demonstrated she was committed to what she set her mind to do.
Jane’s story is inspiring and has led me to come up with three ways to become more self-compassionate. It is clear that the more you practice self-compassion, the more confident you can become. Here are three ways to become more self-compassionate and in return, confident.
1. Have a growth mindset
When you believe you are capable of growing, you are. Believing in yourself is one of the best ways to succeed. Take Jane for example. She applied herself in what she wanted to do and because of this, was able to believe in herself throughout the activity. Having a growth mindset doesn’t mean that things will be easy or even work out. My grandpa meant the world to me and in a tender moment, he told me that I am capable of having the confidence to do anything I set my mind to. Having a growth mindset allows an individual to make mistakes and learn from them. This concept involves great self awareness and gratitude for the efforts being made each day to improve.
2. Be patient with yourself
Every person in the world will eventually experience some form of heartbreaking sadness. This feeling can be crippling and tear away at self worth. Without discipline and understanding of emotions, these treacherous feelings could lead to insecurity and regret. Patience is the antidote. One way I have enjoyed practicing patience is through loving-kindness meditation. It has helped me feel better about a situation so I can practice patience better. Kristen Neff highlights this idea in her article titled Breathing Compassion In and Out. She says, “Typically, meditators start by directing the phrases to themselves, then aim the phrases of goodwill toward a mentor or benefactor, then someone they feel neutral about, then someone toward whom they have difficult feelings, and finally the idea is to expand the circle of loving-kindness to include all sentient beings. The good intentions cultivated by loving-kindness meditation lead to more supportive self-talk and better moods” (Neff, 2024). These efforts can refer to someone or something you are struggling to have patience with.
3. Have the courage to work hard for what you set your mind to do
There is no doubt that each person has individual worth. This truth is important and enlightening. Understanding this simple concept has been the fuel to success in my life. I believe that I am capable of doing hard things. Just like Jane, I have worked hard and accomplished great things. Hard work is a growing experience that can be taxing. When we make efforts to be self-compassionate, we are more likely to enjoy the journey to success. Evan Harrel mentions this concept in his article called Courageously Changing the World with Compassion. He says, “Courageous change begins with the courage to accept yourself just as you are right now” (Harrel, 2022).
If each of us offer ourselves a little more grace and love, we will truly be happier. Confidence is the result of self-compassion. This concept will take time and hard work but it will be worth it. Especially in teens and young adults, these three ideas will fuel success and joy. “Self-compassion involves the desire for the self's health and well-being, and is associated with greater personal initiative to make needed changes in one's life” (Chen, 2018). Those who make the effort to develop and practice self-compassion regularly will be more confident and joyful.
Read more about the positive effects of self-compassion in this module on the MyBestSelf101 website.
“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
References
Chen, S. (2018, August 21). Give yourself a break: The power of self-compassion. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion
Harrel, E. (2022, July 7). Courageously changing the world with compassion - peace and justice studies association. Peace and Justice Studies Association -. https://www.peacejusticestudies.org/chronicle/courageously-changing-the-world-with-compassion/
Neff, K. (n.d.). Self-compassion by Kristin Neff: Join the community now. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/
Neff, K. (2024, July 19). Breathing compassion in and out. Mindful. https://www.mindful.org/breathing-compassion-in-and-out/